Stuck In 2010…

For those who know me personally, you know that 2010 was a very tough year for me. I lost my mother, uncle, and grandfather from October ’til December. Actually, I had a death for each month. This was among other things that were going on, such as being a full-time college student fighting for my degree.

I have since moved to California to start my life over with new opportunities and a positive mindset. The transition wasn’t drama free and new revelations about people I’d known most of my life (or so I thought) were revealed. Yet and still, I persevered.

Today, I can look back at my life and see where I have made great progress towards my goals. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m getting somewhere. There is just one thing I feel is holding me back.

I’m stuck in 2010. I swear. I don’t feel like I can fully move on from the events of that year. The feelings, the anger, the pain, the regret…are all still there. People say give yourself time, but I question whether it will help.

I never expected to be the same person after the dust settled, but my God. I don’t expect to ever forget. I feel like I moved into a new home, but in the back of the house there’s a room filled with all things I hated about 2010. The door is locked and I can’t find the key to clean it out.

I know these events have shaped me into the person I am today. I am definitely stronger and more resilient than ever before. But, I want that room cleaned and only left with things beautiful.

The Truth Is…

I am terrified…TERRIFIED! I am in a place where I can finally pursue something wholeheartedly and that scares me. Before, I always could say its my job or circumstance that’s hindering me. There was always an excuse, but now I don’t have a valid one.

I’ve been giving plenty of signs that this is right, but nonetheless, I am scared. I can’t and won’t allow my fear to stop me…not this time. I will not give fear that much power over my life. I will push through…

The Beginning of An Explanation

I moved to LA to start my life over…or better yet start my life. I’ve spent the majority of my life being a people pleaser. I accomplished goals that would allow others in my life to be happy, but often put my goals aside. I took care of my family until death, I do not regret doing so, but I AM NOT A ROBOT.

For once I wanted to uninhibitedly go forth with MY desires and MY dreams. This hasn’t been easy nor was I expectant of ease into the life I crave and feel I am destined for.

I have had days where I don’t know where money will come from to eat, let alone bill payment…but God always provides. It’s simple things like a meal that reminds me that I can make it. My friends who help, even if it’s just an encouraging word or their time give me strength.

I am not perfect. I am making many mistakes. I’m closing doors and opening them, but I’m learning. I struggle to keep my confidence, to believe when I feel there is so many reasons I shouldn’t. I fight for my place in this city everyday and I grow weary, but most importantly I keep fighting.

Do You?

Do you think of me still? Now that I am far, far away in distance, am I far, far away in thoughts? Am I a distant memory? Am I even remembered? Would you recognize me if you saw me? I wonder, I wonder.

Twelve days from 25, and 11 days from Mother’s Day. I no longer get to celebrate. God won that battle. You never win a battle against God only with God. Though my heart aches for her, there’s a slight tingle in my heart for you. I wonder if you know? I’m glad that we have linked up, she would love you.

The Darkness…

I have been catching up on one of my favorite shows, Dexter. Season 6, episode 6 is called “Let it Go.” Not to be a spoiler if you haven’t seen it, but it dealt with forgiveness. Dexter was angry about the shooting of Brother Sam, but in his final breath Brother Sam told Dexter to forgive the guy and not kill him. Of course, this isn’t something that is easy for Dexter at all. Brother Sam was encouraging him to not let the darkness take over.

Which brings me to my thoughts for this blog, there is darkness inside all of us, especially when we don’t forgive others. If we hold on to hate and vengefulness towards someone we allow the darkness to control us. Dexter isn’t a terrible person; he kills “bad people.” What is terrible is that Dexter can’t let go and forgive. Like Dexter, I struggle with this as well. I pray about it, but it is my struggle. So there is that darkness trying to cover my light.

I want to get to a point where I can say I forgive you and most of the people I haven’t forgiven are pretty aware of my feelings towards them because I have cut them off. At least two of you I would love to break your jaw (the darkness speaking). My list is short, but still it shouldn’t exist. Carrying resentment isn’t healthy and most of the time the people who you feel it towards could care less. They are probably making someone else miserable or just maybe they are a better person now. Regardless, you have to make sure that you are aligned with God and dwelling with the darkness won’t allow that.