Deaf Ears to Wedding Bells


bridezilla

I was reading Necole Bitchie’s blog and she had a post about Eva and Lance getting engaged and it tells how he proposed and how happy she was and blah, blah, blah. I am sooo not that girl. Sure, I would like to get married one day, but I don’t dream of the day. As of a matter of fact, when I set my life goals I never factored in relationships, a husband, and surely not kids. I am just not that girl, I don’t even like to talk about it. I just do not dream of the picket fence, dog, kids running in the backyard, and the perfect husband.

First of all, I think that it is unrealistic. No one is perfect relationships are work and life doesn’t always work out as you planned it. I mean you have picked your wedding ring, picked your dress, cake and planned the wedding before you even have a boyfriend or fiancée. Get a life! Is that is what life’s about is that all I should strive for, should that really be the happiest day in my life and why? I was thinking more of receiving a reward for doing something that helped mankind or finding my true purpose in life. Not some big, fancy wedding.

More so, I think weddings are a waste of money and time. Why do you need a ceremony to prove that you are in love? Save the money and use it for your new mortgage or something else like the honeymoon. I will be honest, every wedding I have been to I only came to eat your food, seriously. The groom’s cake is the highlight of my day.

Don’t misunderstand me; I am glad that you have found the one person that you feel that can understand you and completes you. I am happy for you, but those extravagant huge weddings are highly unnecessary and are equivalent to me as a rapper buying a huge diamond chain, just to floss. I think people should focus more on their relationship and less on the ceremony and glamour. Focus on your vows and what they mean. Maybe then, the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.

I just prefer the simple things. I would take the love over the wedding any day. I would prefer not to have my cake and eat it in this case. 

Ms. Understood

photo-24

 

It’s about 2 in the morning and I am awake as usual backed into the corner of my bed consumed with my thoughts. I am thinking about my life and what I want from it and the best plan of execution to get there. Nina Simone “Don’t Let Me Be Understood” is playing in the background (yes the song Lil Wayne sampled on the Carter 3 (smh). I really began to focus into the lyrics of this song and realized how they relate to me.

“Baby do you understand me now

If sometimes you see that I’m mad

Don’tcha know that no one alive can always be an angel?

When everything goes wrong you see some bad

But oh, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood”

I am misunderstood and quite often by those around me…my family, my friends, and my acquaintances. I am writing in hopes of shedding light on who I am and who I am becoming. I could sit here and pretend that I am perfect, but that wouldn’t be of any service to anyone. People seem to want me to be perfect for them by labeling me and proclaiming me as the Good Samaritan and perfect Christian.

I was branded by my brother’s calling. Whenever I am to do something that’s out of the character of the “ideal” that they have created of me they can’t wrap their brains around it. This is my fault for allowing myself to play the role so long and hiding my imperfections as best I could.

I always feel watched like at a televised game and its 3 seconds on the clock and I have the ball. Everyone is depending on me to make the winning shot and I am feeling the pressure. I am constantly battling internally with the different “parts of me” my emotions clash and I don’t know what to feel. As, I mature and grow and experience more in life my internal becomes external and open to the world which can be quite frightening.

I am not gay, though I have friends that are. I love and respect them, as a TRUE Christian should. I have heard rumors that I was gay, sorry to disappoint; I prefer the male species. I guess that had to do with me being comfortable enough with my sexuality, that I would hang out with my openly gay female friends and not feel the need to have a boyfriend to prove that I was not a homosexual.

I have serious issues with the church and conflicting religious beliefs due to the fact that self-proclaimed Christians are the ones who have caused me the most pain and church is where I have felt most rejected. I confess to be a follower of Christ and imperfect but protected by the blood of Christ. Label me as that and nothing more.

I feel like a robot, like I am programmed to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, think a certain way. I have been hacking into the system that I have allowed to control me… breaking free and discovering, transitioning and becoming my own person. As I go through my metamorphosis, I cannot say who I will be entirely, how much of “the me” you’ve known will transform or has transformed and how much will remain the same.

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

Don’t let me be misunderstood

I try so hard

So don’t let me be misunderstood”

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

Ponytells

I did a horse series for my photography class using a Canon Rebel and FP4 film. I enjoyed shooting the animals; they are such attention whores, lol. The best part was their owner, an ex-equestrian. She was so welcoming. She knew nothing about me, but allowed me on her property, as well as in her house. I truly felt comfortable at her place. 

She shared with me the reason she no longer rode horses; she fell off of one after it was frightened by a snake. It’s funny how things small can frighten large creatures. The doctor told her if she were to fall again she would be paralyzed.

This made me think about life in general, how small things can cause catastrophic changes to your life.  How we so often take advantage of the little things we can do, such as, breathe, walk, talk, hear, feel…  How something completely random and unexpected can occur and those things can be taken away.

My point in writing this is, I went there with the intentions to get the project over with it and that was my only goal. I ended up meeting an awesome lady and learning a life lesson. So, I didn’t miss the opportunity to return to her place and bring her prints of the photos. She was thrilled to have them and I was happy to see her happy. Below I have posted one of the photographs. 

horseoffield1

Spare Me the Holiday

grinch1I am really not feeling the whole Christmas thing this year. The reef is on the door, the tree is up, and lights are around the neighborhood, but still. Usually, I am all for the shopping and buying my family gifts, singing carols, and curling up with a cup of hot chocolate while watching The Christmas Story marathon. Not this year, maybe I am just growing up more. Christmas is so commercialized and all about Santa and not about Christ. I just feel that I don’t need a day to celebrate Christ, I celebrate him everyday.
I think that is so stupid, is this the only time that you care enough to help someone out? People need help 24/7 but because you are in a holly jolly mood today you want to donate, give a turkey, give a gift. BLAH!! Honestly, until my dad brought it to my attention I didn’t know that it was 4 days away. All I noticed is that the stores are crowded and people are getting on my nerves more than usual. I am wearing black instead of red and green. AND do you really care whether I have a MERRY Christmas or are you just programmed to say that?? Maybe when the Grinch stole Christmas he was on to something…maybe he did everyone a favor.
My point is that acts of kindness should be done on a daily basis. We should care about each other each day, not just during the holiday season. I remember seeing this video and the main character could see a time clock on top of each individual’s head. Basically, he knew when everyone would die because he saw his or her time running out. We don’t know when our time is going to run out or when someone else’s in our environment will. Show them that they are appreciated while you can or you will end up wishing for the opportunity. It is 4:18 in the morning; I have voiced my opinion, now I can rest.

Mind Bondage

Recently, I did two litho editions (6 in each editions) that refer to mind bondage. (art below) By mind bondage I mean, the body is free to do as it pleases, but it is our mind that stops us from doing things. Whether it is our conscious, beliefs, fears, environment or whatever influential people or devices that surround us. Growing up as an African-American, Negro, penny-colored girl, whatever… failure… the word can’t becomes so prominent. We have become used to hearing it and believing it. “You can’t be this, you can’t be that” and then you don’t even try to do it because you think you are going to fail prior to giving an effort. Maybe you have failed before, get over it… you’re human, meaning you’re imperfect.

 We have become mental slaves removing the chains from our body and transferring them to our minds (as stated by Edward Wilmot Blyden).  We need to educate ourselves. Some of this bondage stems from ignorance believing what others have told you instead of discovering yourself and developing your own interpretation.  It will ALWAYS be a battle within yourself to be great, if you don’t make it completely uphill, pave the way for those who will come after you. Your kids, your little cousins, the kids down the street…you never know who is watching you and depending on your success to encourage them and keep the fire within them ablaze.

 We must STOP allowing others to tell us what we can’t do and find out for ourselves. You will not succeed and master everything you do in life, nor will you enjoy it, but at least you will have determined that for yourself. Not only have we become subject to mind bondage from slavery, but also we have started tearing down each other. Laughing at each other’s efforts to be more, bestowing words of discouragement on our brothers and sisters causing more mental bondage. We have become the true definition of NIGGER, COON, BOY…and the whole slew of words that we have allowed to break us down.

At what point in our lives will we simply say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and simple take the blindfold off or remove the muzzle from our mouths and step forward. Do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said. We have the power to become so great that the unwilling, the non-dreamers, the lazy, the unreliable ones…will be the elite ones.

Coldest Winter

About a month or two ago, I was working on a litho print that I entitled “October 25, 2007.” It dealt with the death of my aunt and how devastated I was. It shook my entire world and was truly the “Coldest Winter.”  I swear Kanye hit the nail on the head with that one. I compare her death to the lost of a mother because along with my mother, she played THAT parental role in my life. The mind set, has to be the most important part of the artwork. It was like I completely stopped living, but was alive. I continued with my daily activities and I continued going to school…but I was not there. Which brings me to the quote I came up with, “I Exist But Do Not Live.” You can be alive and never actual live. That quote became a true representation of me. I lost sense of time and space. I did not remember what day it was, nor did I care. I couldn’t remember events from the previous week.  I could only remember the details of her death, the pain…the denial. It was my first experience with the death of someone close to me. The hardest part was not that she died but because I had become so consumed with my life, my education, my problems that I didn’t even take the time to do simple things like call her, visit. When I did come around it was very brief. I mean, I know she knew that I loved her, but I still think I could have done more to show that. People always said show that you care tell people you love them; treat today as if it was your last. You hear those words but until something traumatic happens you don’t really become a doer of the words. It is always a learning experience, I am still learning HOW to love, to love more or show that I love more.  I don’t think my problem is not caring; I think it is caring too much… loving too hard… wanting to protect my loved ones from harm to the point it comes cross as aggressiveness or me being cold. It bothers me relentlessly when there is nothing I can do to stop their pain. I know that I am not in control of the universe and there are things that I cannot change, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to. I feel like I am always misconstrued like others don’t understand that because the funeral is over does not mean the pain ended. With GOD, I was able to pull myself out of the funk and slowly piece my life as well as my heart back together (I am still a work in progress, though it has been a year). I am not going to lie like I don’t still miss her or get sad when I pass by her house. Sometimes, I can even smell her perfume in the air or see someone that looks like her in a crowd…. I want to LIVE, LOVE, LEARN, travel…do things. I don’t want to limit my life to the south. I know that this will be home, it always will be. I don’t want the recession to be my reason for not being able to BE. I want to look back on my life and say it was pretty awesome. If I haven’t done all the things I want to do, at least half of my list should be complete. I was looking at my uncle today, a perfect example of a man who has LIVED. He spent most of his life in New York taking drama courses alongside Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix), seeing plays, befriending some of the greats, learning foreign languages…just living his life. He is now homebound and not mobile as he was due to a stroke. Though his circumstances have changed and do not allow him to be as active, he can say that he enjoyed himself.  It’s absolutely amazing how lessons can be learned from simply observing others. I am posting a sketch of the artwork. 

oct2507sketch

Welcome!

It’s official! I finally found the time to officially start my blog. I battled with this for a while, the idea behind it. I talked it over with friends and family members whose opinions I valued. Ponytells has evolved into a blogspot about my issues, solutions, impressions, beliefs and those who surround me. It is still a work in progress, but then again, what isn’t?  I am excited about it and am looking forward to your comments, thoughts, and opinions.