Subject, Verb, Predicate

I am tired. That is all…tired in so many ways. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. It’s a twisting, jerking, pulling feeling, which is the best I can describe. I have almost completely stopped listening to the words of others. I drift in; I drift out. School is redundant or better yet… routine. I am just going with the motions trying to make it to the summer. Only to do it yet again; another again.

I am tired of giving and genuinely loving people to not receive it at the level I give in return while knowing that it won’t stop me from caring for them. I often wondered when and if I would reach that point…that point where you say “YOU KNOW WHAT??!! I don’t have to put up with anything!!” That point where you recognize your worth and realize that you are GREAT and can be GREATER. I call them breakthroughs not breakdowns. You always come out stronger in the end. As long as you go through and keep going through you will make it. Set a goal and make it happen.

God is all I need right now. God and the gifts he has given, whether they are talents, friends, or whatever. That is all you need. I thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon me. I have good friends who stick around through all the drama that is my life. I have never been hungry a day in my life or without the essentials. Got transportation. That along is enough. I can sleep knowing that God will always make a way for me. For some reason it is still in my nature to worry or wonder if I am worthy of such blessing, which the answer will always be no. Thankfully, God is merciful.

I really don’t know what direction I intended to go with this, it is just an expression of words with a subject, verb, and predicate making it sentences. I am learning more and more that I like to observe and write. Blogging is most interesting; you can record your mood, your mental changes and your growth on digital paper using digital ink. With one click your negative thoughts and expressions can be deleted…apply this concept to real life…hmm.

As The Season Changes

The season is changing; spring is near.

I am blossoming and coming out of my cocoon and like that butterfly, I am more beautiful.

I will fly beyond the limits, pushing boundaries, and shattering barriers.

Growth is good for the soul, pain is as well. I call it growing pains.

Stretching, molding, and forming me into a virtuous woman.

Woman…transitioning into womanhood and no longer identified as a girl.

Freeing myself of the indignant past coldness, feeling the warmth of the sun.

I am alive…I smell the flowers and I deeply inhale…spring.

I welcome the warmth of spring and bid adieu to the cold, cold winter.

Spontaneous Combustion

It’s that time again. I have been bottling a lot of emotions inside without even knowing. In an attempt to have less stress and be more relaxed, I find myself avoiding situations all together. Blocking out those around me and completely cutting off my emotions.

I am about to burst… literally.  Yesterday, I had to get my stuff and leave. There was pandemonium…or that’s what it felt like. So I am in Wal-Mart and I feel myself wanting to breakdown. Just fall on the freaking floor in the health and beauty section, lol. I held myself together, finished shopping, and left. Me being at Wal-Mart wasn’t for me…I was running an errand. I took the moment anyway…stolen freedom.

Take a person who likes to travel, go places, explore, be spontaneous, and cage them or create a closed environment for them. Shelter that person to the point that their mistakes aren’t their own or aren’t allowed. How does a person like that maintain their sanity…the answer is…I don’t know. Maybe a ray if hope…holding on to the idea that change is possible.

This is going to be all over the place, it wouldn’t be spontaneous combustion if it didn’t. People tell me to smile more, even when I am not happy. Why?? Why pretend? There is enough fakeness in this world. Why can’t I display my true emotions? Do others never feel that way? Am I that different from the world? Am I just this depressed, unhappy person…no. That is a misconception of me; I have my moments, though.

I need something real; I demand something real. Some real, raw uncut people in my life who show true emotions and don’t sugar cut. So often I get the church smile. I can’t take it anymore. I am begging you to be real people. What is so wrong about being yourself? Arrgghh! I am battling through this. Part of me really believes that no one cares. Will people continue to have this dry existence?

This note doesn’t feel finished…there is more to say. To be continued…eventually.

Moment of Silence

I lay here in the silence only hearing the sound of my fingers on the keys. I enjoy these times. They are few for me; I am usually surrounded by chaos, people, and sounds of the city. Tonight is rather quiet; a great time for reflection on change, growth, and reinvention of self. My sole purpose for creating this blog is to document my growth as an artist, as a woman, as a human being.

I have noticed that those around me have been needy, requiring more of me. It can be emotionally, as well as physically draining. The winter season has been very long. I have disconnected, reconnected and pushed myself in ways I didn’t know were possible for me. I have evolved and I am evolving.

I am a leader whether I like it or not, it is fact. I am more role model than I will ever be model. I am under close scrutiny; people are watching my movements, my actions. My reactions and decisions affect those around me. I was unaware of this call to leadership; this eagle eye watchfulness…took 21 years to realize this.

I can’t imagine myself staying inside of the parameters of Alabama for the rest of my life. I wish people would stop being selfish and trying to keep me here. You should want more…no… you should demand more. Because I am a leader does not make me perfect. I cannot be. I am of many flaws, some of which I haven’t even began to deal with or address. Flawed in a world that demands perfection…

jana_1

…at that moment, at that time, I truly had peace of mind.