No Definition

It seems as though when my life is most hectic I cannot resist the urge to write. Three critiques next week meaning 3 projects are due. The box packaging project from Hell, the typography project that just doesn’t wanna come out right, and the animation that I keep forgetting about. The fashion show that’s Sunday because I decided I wanted to be a model again, smh.

Often I ask myself what am I in college for. The preparation for real life that doesn’t quite hit the mark. The realization that soon I will be paying back that loan that I took out my freshman year that helped keep me with fresh books and fresh attire. The fact that you get all the way to your senior year and say, “I don’t know if I want to do this for the rest of my life.” Also, the lack of time to do personal art because I am bombarded with school work. Constant graduation date push backs because life happens and there’s no stopping it to catch your breath. Am I the only one who feels this way or is it my perception that is distorted?

Yet and still, I fight for this degree and I am really starting to think this college thing was a stupid idea. Ugh, maybe I am just a cranky person due to my lack of sleep and piss poor diet. I swear I have been up for days. Sleeping a couple of hours and having crazy dreams that interrupt my peace. Waking up in the middle of the night and being too tired to sleep because my mind is racing. It’s 4:25 am and while you’re sleeping… I’m designing.

I think…what else would I do besides art? I can’t think of any other major I would enjoy beside Journalism (it was my minor). I still consider that a form of artistic expression, though. Now, I am rambling… Here’s a photo of my nails…I do enjoy some fierceness.

Photo 3

Notes From Church

Ten ways to maximize your potential

1. Be yourself and all you can be.
-Can’t reach your full potential until you know what God has called you to do (your purpose)
-start with realizing what’s best for you

2. Do not expect the expert to always be correct.
-Success is spellied w-o-r-k

3.Expect great things to happen.
(get outside the box that’s where God is) we have not b/c we ask not.
Believe God for big things

4. Don’t take shortcuts.
( no microwave recoveries) hard work brings long lasting recovery

5. Keep growing.
Always be willing to learn. A mistake is not a mistake unless you learn from it.
(Critique your failure)

6. Face your fears and fix them.

7. Choose your close friends wisely.
-bad company corrupts good ppl
-run like hell was after you when you get a hint of negativity
-Principle-a person almost never rises above the level of his or her closest friendships

8. Draw inspiration from others.
-find somebody who is an up person and mock them (copy someone with a great attitude)
Proverbs 27:17-As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

9. Have a mission that motivates you.
– when you walk in your calling life is wonderful b/c you’re walking in God’s joy
– we go where our dreams take us
-God knows the plans He has for you

10. Dedicate and commit your life to God
-this is obviously number 1, all 10 will work for your benefits
– If God is your father dream big

7 excuses for failing to grow
1.Never done it before
2.Tried it before
3.It won’t work
4.Not my responsibility
5.Can’t be done
6.Not my fault
7.We might fail

Nothing

Today I focused all my energy on doing nothing (which drained me more than productivity).  I hadn’t originally planned it that way; I just rolled with it. I haven’t even seen the sun today and it’s no longer out. School is wearing me out and life. This “no-drive” city I am living in isn’t helping either. It’s like putting dirt in an abyss and waiting for it to fill up. You never see the fruits of your labor because the tree you’re nursing has already died. Every time you jolt it back to life it gives up on you again.

Doesn’t that sound like people in your life and their temporary change? It’s like there being 4 beats to the measure and as soon as you get used to the rhythm…there’s only 3. That’s a noticeable change. You address the issue you get back to 4 beats and suddenly there are 3. I wonder if this is how God feels?

Being a Christian, I find myself putting up with more than I have to. I justify this by saying God loves me and puts up with me and because I strive to walk in His perfect love I can do the same for others. I want my life to be an example of His greatness. It’s not easy especially when you try to love someone and they are unwilling and hell bent on being resistant due to pass hurtful situations. It’s more than uneasy; it’s a cross that I bear. I believe that part of my gift and my purpose is to love and teach others to love. In others words, to be the love that I desire, deserve and demand.

My intentions are in no way to say that I have perfected love. The only perfect love is God because God is love. He is whom I seek for such love and only Him. I wouldn’t waste my time searching for virtue and perfection here on earth. I think that would be in vain. I am a perfect example of imperfection. =) For example, I don’t do well with communication. I find it hard to express my emotions to people face to face in a more serious situation. I am shy and also anti-social. I have to force myself to open up because I recognize the importance to do so.

Maybe my day of nothing has turned into something. These words, expressions, and mannerisms that I am digitally inking onto this virtual paper will find someone.  Truth be told I don’t have to do anything, but the desire to want to is too strong. I often want to give up and just quit, but in the words of Kanye West

When it feels like livin’s harder than dying

For me givin up’s way harder than tryin”.

‹^› ‹(•¿•)› ‹^›

I am angry, a little more aggressive and more on edge lately. I am tired, sick for the first time in years and even less likely to wanna smile.

This past month has been a trying one. I have been trying to escape a cycle that will lead to a piss poor life. I just don’t know, everything is as unclear as muddy waters.

As quickly as life picks up I am knocked down. All I can do is pray for serenity and assurance in something…just one thing… I just keep telling myself it will get better but just maybe it won’t here.

I wonder; which sin was it? Which one that caused the turbulence in my life? Either the walls are closing in or I am too big for the space. Grr…